Things I eat as fast as I can unwrap them include Hersheys kisses, anything else chocolaty for that matter, and pistachios. What you really have to do is unwrap the first couple without putting any in your mouth, then you will always have at least two or three in your mouth, marinating and serenading. Melting and mingling...

Is there not a greater monopoly in all the world than the one that YKK has on zippers? Can anybody even name another zipper manufacturer? Didn’t think so.

I admit I am not a big fan of SUVs, but one of the things that really gets under my skin is when people try to call their SUVs "trucks." No way Jose. I know what a truck looks like and that, my friend, is no truck.

Does anyone else ever get that feeling when they overeat that their stomach skin is getting stretched so taut that a little lotion on the belly would be more soothing than anything else?

Every time I buy a new pair of soft suede shoes I face the same conundrum: To spray with suede protecting shoe guard stuff or to let the rains chew away at my new kicks? Shoes are never the same after using that repellent stuff.

Popcorn and pickles both count as vegetable servings…

I recently had a conversation with Don Benzo, who was nice enough to pick me up from the airport, regarding cookies. Well actually I had said I wanted a cookie. And he said "What kind?" And I said, "What the hell kind you think, chocolate chip." And then he said, "I don’t know, maybe you want an oatmeal raisin cookie." Which is when I began this line of reasoning: even if you have the greatest oatmeal raisin cookie on Earth, there is still one problem. It ain’t no goddamn chocolate chip cookie. I would rather have a crappy chocolate chip cookie than an allegedly "great" oatmeal raisin cookie (and don’t come at me with any "What about an oatmeal chocolate chip cookie?" Forget that too).

Memories: Remember your favorite ways to torture your sibling? I used to aim the TV remote right at RR and I would press the button and say, "I’m radiating you. Radiation, radiation, radiation, radiation, radiation, radiation, radiation, radiation, radiation…" and he would cry like a little girl.

There’s always the finger-grinding-into-the-chest-plate bruiser move, that one’s great too.

In the tradition of the count the SUVs game, I provide you with more hours of endless entertainment. Next time you are shopping, whether in a music store, for clothes, shoes, or whatever, say "DUDE" like you are trying to get your friend’s attention. At least 70% of the people in earshot will turn around. Good times…

Ah, the blessed 3-peanuts-in-a-shell…Beats the hell out of its gross cousin, the 2-yolks-in-an-egg. Look ma, twins!

Another reason why BART is enjoyable: The rare display of human teamwork on the escalators. 97% (actual statistic) of the people know that the people who are content with the speed of the escalator on it’s own are to stay on the right; those who are not afraid to show a little athaleticism are able to use supplemental human power to pass on the left. Grouse.

I don’t know if it is all in my noggin or what, but I am convinced that the bottom half of the bagel is >>>> the top half. And speaking of bagels, does anyone else purposefully cut the bagel slightly less than even and yet put the same amount of cream cheese on each half and then eat the breadier half first? That way it’s a cream cheese eruption on the second half. I still trip on how little cream cheese the goys put on their bagels. One of those little tubs will do me for 2 bagels tops. Cream cheese is a party cheese.

When my housemate and I were showing our available bedroom to perspective roommates, a lot of the girls asked us if we cook. My housemate said yes, which forced me to interject with what I consider irrefutable logic. We make food. Tuna sandwiches, pasta, breakfast food, things of this nature…these things are made. We make food. Cooking requires a lot more time, patience, and skill.

There are 3 kinds of people: Those who, when running, fake run (bounce up and down) at intersections when they are waiting for the light to change; those who, when running, stop at the intersection and wait like a normal person for the light to change; and those who think running is for suckers.

Let’s say a bag of cashews says that it has 10 grams of salt per serving. Everybody who has ever messed with a jumbo bag of cashews knows that when you get to the end there is a half-inch high layer of salt along the bottom of the bag. I think you get to subtract that from the salt/sodium per serving in the nutritional contents on the side of the bag…of course this can be applied to other foodstuffs as well (the grease on the inside of a bag of popcorn being the next best example I can think of).

Does Raisin Bran make a cereal without the raisins? Are they just resigned to losing the anti-raisin breakfast cereal audience? Damned if they don’t, sellouts if they do.

We must all learn to fear and respect the buffet.

The networks seem to put so much stock in their blessed Nielsen Ratings, but I don’t see how that could be accurate. I don’t know anybody who has one of those alleged Nielsen boxes. I don’t even know anybody who knows anybody who has heard of someone who has one of those boxes. Do they even exist? Are they urban legend?

If you leave a CD player on pause for long enough, will the laser burn through the CD?

I don't know what hiking really is. Is it simply a matter of: You walk on the sidewalk and hike on dirt? Is that the only difference? I just don't get it. I like to take walks, and since I've been doing it (=walking) long enough, I'd venture to say I'm good at it. Would this equate to me being a good hiker? Is it like an "if you skate a lot you would be a good snowboarder" type of analogy?

There are two kinds of car owners out there: Those who hate it when it rains because they just got their car washed and those who have been waiting for months for it to rain for a free car wash. My old car was primer gray, so you can guess what kind I was...

Another reason why the zippered hoodie is the ultimate security blanket...3 base levels of climate control. The casual open zipper "hang out," the zipped-up "it's getting a bit chilly in here," and then of course the zipped-up hoodie-up third level for the highest heat setting. Available in breathable cotton...

Sequels of movies that suck, suck.

Anticlimatic is not a word. You are looking for the word anticlimactic.

When we were little kids didn't we all think about how if we were on an airplane that was about to crash we would wait until the last second before impact and jump up and out of the plane as high as we could and maybe we would survive? What always worried me most was if it was the same situation and it was a helicopter, would I be cut to shreds by the propeller?

Big Pimpin=Foie Gras on challah.

There are two kinds of people: Those who take the best bite first and those who save the best bite for last.

I think it is totally disgusting how some people get out of the bathtub without taking a rinse off shower. Sitting in a bunch of scummy water and your own filth and you think you are clean? Even worse, you dry off with your formerly clean towel and then your funk is on it also, so when you do shower next you will step out of the shower clean but when you go to dry off you will be wiping day old funk back onto your person.

"The average person blinks 12-17 times per minutes. Children blink less and the blink rate drops when concentrating to about 5-8 per minute. You can tell if someone is paying close attention to you by counting the blink rate. I believe that George Bush blinks about 25 times per minute when giving a speech. I don't know what that means."

-Anonymous Ophthalmologist who does know what that means.

Yes, Rocky IV played a vital role in ending the Cold War, the downfall of Communism, and the dismantling of the USSR. "If I can change, you can change..."

A good trip on BART/MUNI=I don’t have to touch anything (hand rails, stuff on seats, people, escalator rails) with my hands. Otherwise I feel like I need to go wash those hands real bad. I actually have a get-rich-quick scheme that revolves around this most understandable neuroticism. Ok, fine, I'll tell you. Wetnap dispenser/vending machines at BART stations. You could even pay with your BART ticket if you wanted to go that route. Meeting Your Sanitary Needs.

I know that it makes me a total dork, and I know that some people think it is terribly tacky, but one thing that almost always chokes me up/gives me the goosebumps, or at least makes me smile is the way that, during the singing of the national anthem, fans always start cheering as soon as "For the land of the free" is sung. Uniquely American, or something. Go America.

Could or couldn't care less? This is the type of thing that will make your brain hurt if you stop to think about it. Clearly they can't both be right; one means you could and the other means you could not. People use both though. You can tell by the tone of the speaker what they mean--and despite the two being basically binaries, for all intents and purposes they mean the same thing. For the record, while people do use both, only those who use couldn't are actually correct. Perhaps "could care less" is meant to be more of a rhetorical question type statement? I'm just trying to work it out...

Eternal Question: Are honey-roasted peanuts a dessert or a snack? Since I think it is always a good time for honey-roasted peanuts (oi, never a bad time), I guess they are whatever you need to call them so that you can get on them.

If you see a hairy scary monster attacking a girl in an overturned phone booth and you have a gun with you, don’t be afraid to shoot that monster in the back as it runs away. Guaranteed, it ain't no good monster.

I saw someone tagged "KNOW YOUR ROLL" on a building on the corner of Haight and Masonic recently. Um, I believe you meant ROLE. You slow your ROLL and you know your ROLE. Good times. Would have been terribly witty if it was written on some hip urban sushi spot or something though.

There are two kinds of people: Those who, when there is a sustained loud noise in the area, go right on talking even though they should know that the listener can't hear, and those who wait for the loud noise to end before resuming talking.

Right up there with the sound of the coffee pot's final gurgle (to denote the coffee is ready): the sound from when you crack open a can of soda. That sound is so sexy. When I hear someone else make that sound, it makes me want a soda real bad. You know what else sounds like that? The sound made from opening a new can of tennis balls. Makes me want to drink up the fresh air formerly sealed inside of the can as if I were in Spaceballs or something. For the record: glass bottle of coke>can of coke>soda fountain coke>>>>>>plastic bottle of coke. Although sometimes fountain coke does have more appeal than canned coke.

Speaking of, tapping a soda can on the part that pops open (down) before opening it really does eliminate the opening-a-can-of-soda-that-has-been-jarred-too-much-so-now-half-the carbonated-contents-will-come-overflowing-out-all-over-you-thereby-salting-your-game thing. I don't make the rules; I follow them.

There were 3 stages to The Fresh Prince of Bel Air: the real aunt Viv, no aunt Viv, and fake aunt Viv. And that is pretty much their descending order of goodness.

The most misleading statistic when you look at the calorie count on food is neglecting to see how many servings there are per box because you know that whole box of cookies is about to get macked. For instance, it might say only 200 calories per serving and 10 grams of fat, so you are like, "These aren't so bad." But if you look at the servings, that is for only 2 little cookies. Who the hell is going to eat only 2 little cookies? Certainly not I.

The first step is admitting I am wrong: I'm thinking that overexaggeration is not actually a word. It seems a bit redundant, unless you are really trying to describe exactly how much exaggeration is going on. I think that I used to totally think it was a word. Then, later, I sort of realized that something sounded fishy about it. Yet I could not remove the word from my oral vocabulary. It just kept coming out. Let's face it; I still say it (by accident). I want it to stop.

Upset of the Century: How the hell is October not the 8th month of the year? Think about it...

I have a dream: How about, instead of some slices of cheese on the burger (or in addition to), a fondue pot for dipping burgers. That would be so grouse. It certainly wouldn’t have to be limited to burgers. And the beauty of the fondue pot is that you can leave it going all day long and have hot melted cheese at your disposal. You could get whimsically experimental if you wanted (I want, I want).

Don't forget to periodically clean your mouse balls. They get linty and it affects performance (sincerely). It's like when you pick your nose and then you are able to breath easier.

Yeah, I got analogies.

3 of every 5 fights I have ever seen in my life have included one person saying to the other (directly preceding the fight), "You don't know me." What's up with that? Maybe if when people arrived at functions, we put more effort into introductions--maybe even name cards--then we could avoid some of this violence.

I really don't get the whole NFL community service messages. I mean, the point of the commercials isn't to get beer drinking football fan/dudes to volunteer at their local senior citizens home right? So it's just a woo hoo, the message being: "Despite all the drug addicts, rapists, and murderers in our league, we are like good people or something." If they were really good people they would sell those commercial timeslots to the beer companies (or other female objectifying/domestic violence breeding advertisers) and give the millions of dollars they'd make to those same charities and community organizations. Save millions in production costs for making the commercials too I bet (guessing a lot of those players may take quite a few takes before they get it right).

Upset of the Century: I can't believe that Chewbacca just came up on spell check (I had spelled it Chewbakka). Who'd have thought? But I will tell you, I think it couldn't have happened to a nicer Wookie. This is the first step in Chewbacca's healing process too, as far as I am concerned--because at the end of Star Wars, the dude got so freaking hosed. Han and Luke got medals. Chewy deserved one too. I always thought that was some racist bullshit that he didn't get one. Way to go, Chewbacca.

I have a dream: I dreamt that I had 3 gigantic brownies in front of me: one chocolate, one peanut butter, and one that they call cheesecake but is actually just a swirl of cream cheese in it. They all looked hella good, and I was all ready to start partying, when, within the dream, I realized it was a dream. And it made me so sad because I realized I wasn't really going to get to eat those brownies.

Carrot cake=Vegetable serving. This is indisputable. I can admit that there probably aren’t all that many carrots in carrot cake, so I am proud to announce a resolution: in order to get your vegetable serving from carrot cake, you must simply eat more carrot cake. Next question...

For your 3rd Quarter outside reading project, you will read either a biography or an autobiography--note that with all the controversies surrounding the idea of the "memoir," it is time to recognize that a memoir is not a biography. If it were, it would be called a biography, not a memoir. This is an opportunity for you to do research on a person who means something to you. I encourage you to take some time to reflect/brainstorm and do the research to find someone you have always been interested in, have always respected, and/or would like to know more about. One of the requirements of the project, regardless of what assessment you choose, is to dress up as the person (or you may interpret this creatively and dress up as something relevant to their life--mmm, dressing up as a symbol).

You must have your book on the day of your presentation.

Options for Assessment:

Poem/Song: You may compose one of the aforementioned. You may perform live in front of the class or pre-record (if it is a song/rap) using audio software. You must turn in a copy of your lyrics to me.

POEMS SHOULD BE AT LEAST 1 MINUTE LONG

Art Project: You may do an art project that represents or symbolizes one or more of the major accomplishments/ideas of the person whose biography you have read. A short oral overview of the person's life and the explanation of your art project (why you did what you did, what it means, connections to the person's life) must accompany it.

Speech: You will deliver a speech of 3-5 minutes explaining A) a brief history of the person's life (background info), B) the major accomplishments of the person's life, C) their effect on society, D) why you selected the person, and E) an interesting, inspiring, entertaining, funny, informative, educational, or shocking anecdote from that person's life. I understand that not all biographies will have the necessary information to accomplish all of these requirements--most, however, will. If yours does not, you must compensate for the lack of information in creative ways (supplementing other required areas would always be a good place to start).

MAKE YOUR PROJECT INTERESTING...one of your goals ought to be to make the audience want to learn even more about the person.

Write about a TV show or film. You can do this a number of ways. 

You may choose to write an analytical essay about the show/film. You could analyze characters, relationships, secrets, issues, symbols, themes, etc...

You can write a critical review of the show/film. You're the critic and though you still have to do some analysis of what is going on, you also get to be more judgmental and write about why "Everyone must see this tear-jerker" or "I can't believe that there was a studio stupid enough to pay a dollar to get this made." Be sure that you are not ONLY doing a gigantic rant on how much something sucks or rules. CRITICS MUST SUPPORT THEIR OPINIONS!

IF YOU ARE WRITING A CRITICAL REVIEW, YOU SHOULD STAY ONLINE AND GOOGLE SOME SAMPLE REVIEWS TO GET AN IDEA ABOUT WHAT REVIEWS FEEL LIKE

Satire: You may choose to satirize the show/film. Remember that satire pokes fun at something. It uses sarcasm, irony, parody, exaggeration, etc. You can do this a number of ways, such as through an overview of what the show/film is about, or by taking a scene and satirizing it to reveal something about the show.

Schema: The Pick Up Artist is a reality television show that brings a group of 25-35 year old male virgins into a house to be trained in the art of "picking up girls." The "Master Pick Up Artist" who instructs them is Mystery, a quite odd fellow to say the least. The following is a satirical piece that I wrote. It serves to mock how the show turns the ideas of love and attraction into a Dungeons and Dragons-like boardgame, complete with its own set of bizarre rules and lingo.

 In this week's The Pick Up Artist, Mystery decides that the AFCs (Average Frustrated Chumps) are ready to take their newfound skills and try to apply them to Day Game. Day Game, he explains, is almost the same as Night Game; the only difference is that Day Game goes slower. Mystery hypothesizes that it has something to do with the sun being out. Silly me--I thought it had to do with BAC (blood alcohol content). I can only presume that Mystery himself hasn’t used his Day Game in years, judging by his pallor. Despite this, he regales the AFCs with a story of how he once met a girl at the supermarket and within 30 minutes he was on his way to her hotel room. Fortunately, I am not leaving out any details on this one.

Mystery warns that getting a Kiss Close is highly unlikely in Day Game, but one can totally Build Attraction and Close Numbers. He also warns that you have to be more aware of your target's Comfort Level (I can only infer that it is because they can totally see you and are sober enough to feel everything).

Having a Chick Magnet (small, cute dog) can totally help--it can basically Open A Set (interject yourself into a group of people) for you. Joe D has won the Chick Magnet for this Field Test by being the fattest guy in a Speedo at a pool party that had attractive females.

A quick refresher on The Pick Up Artist's rules:

Don’t wait too long to Open A Set or your Approach Anxiety will build.

You approach a 2 Set (2 girls) and you Open The Set with a Gambit (a cheesier than my quesadilla opening line). The most popular Gambits are "If a girl has a boyfriend and she makes out with another girl, is it cheating?" or "Do you floss before or after you brush your teeth." You immediately shift your Routine or you will enter The Comfort Zone (especially during Day Game). If your routine stays too long in The Comfort Zone, you will enter the Just Be Friends Zone. This is why you need to Stack (to move forward into another interesting routine--and you have to Stack more quickly in Day Game).

It merits mentioning that although Mystery said the Field Test would be in a coffee shop, the place he takes them to is totally a beer garden.

Shortly after you throw an effective Gambit at a 2 Set, you need to Narrow Your Target. You do this by selecting 1 of the girls and using IOIs (indicators of interest) and DHVs (displaying higher values). Once you pick even the subtlest of IOIs, you can invite yourself to join The Set. 3 subconscious IOIs to look out for are when she touches the back of her hand, her shoulder, or plays with her hair.

It is never a bad idea, during Day Game, to use a False Time Constraint (lie about needing to leave in a few minutes) before joining The Set. This will allow you to make a graceful exit from an awkward situation if you are getting IODs (indicators of disinterest)--a graceful exit will also allow you to keep you DHV up.

After giving Your Target some positive attention via IOIs and DHVs, don’t forget to Neg her (be a slight dick to her). The best initial subtle Neg is posture-based. You simply lean back. Show how casual you are about it all. Another extremely popular Neg whilst working on a 2 Set is to say to Your Target, "Aren't you going to introduce me to your friend? It's the polite thing to do." Another oft-employed one is "You sure blink a lot." There is also the ever-popular, "What do you have going for you besides your looks."

While vacillating between IOIs, DHVs, and Negs, don’t be afraid to give a little Kino (kinesthetic, or touch-based IOI).

If her phone rings and she answers it, walk away. DO NOT WAIT FOR HER. You can always come back. This too helps to preserve your Value.

Mystery's final note of inspirational speech: Don't go up to a girl at a coffee shop and ask her out. She is out. Try to make your Approach lead to an Impromptu Date.

What if I told you that there was a girl held captive in her basement by this stalker guy, who also had her former best friend, whom she had recently grown to hate, tied up next to her? The former best friend not only used to date the girl's current boyfriend, but it turns out that when the girl had her first boyfriend, the former bestie once slept with that guy while they were still together. The only reason why our girl knows about it is because they videotaped their adulterous experience and he accidentally played it at a big party at which many of their closest friends and classmates were in attendance. His current girlfriend, who is actually his wife--engaged and underaged style--was none too pleased to see the video either.

Anyway, so the stalker was going to kill the former best friend as a gift to the girl of his dreams. She manages to sweet talk her way out of her bondage under the false pretense that she suddenly realizes she loves him--she wants to be the one to get to enjoy killing her former bestie. The stalker unties her and gives her his knife. Just as she is about to stab bestie, she suddenly pivots and stabs stalker, who falls down with a knife lodged in his shoulder. She goes to untie the ex-bestie, but the stalker is clearly only wounded, not dead. She chooses not to hit him with the chair while he is down, stunned. He recovers before she can untie bestie, so she leaves bestie (hey, it is ex-) and runs out of the basement. You might think she would run out of the house, onto the street. No. She runs upstairs and doesn’t even lock the door of the room in which she is hiding. He opens the door, and knowing she is there despite the fact that the room is dark, starts speaking to her menacingly. She jumps out of the shadows with a stun gun and zaps him! He falls again. She says that she isn’t scared of him any more. Wait, what's this? She has on kickboxing gloves! He slowly gets up, then she starts hitting him and he gets kind of hurt and falls a third time. He slowly gets up again (read: a third time) and this time as she tries to kick him, he catches her leg. He throws her down and starts to get undressed. 

Dialogue: "Did you really think you could beat me?" Suddenly ex-bestie enters the room, clearly having freed herself, and hits stalker guy with a big, indistinguishable stick. Stunned again, he rolls off her, hurt. Ex-bestie watches stalker guy to see if he is ok. By the time she realizes he isn't, it is too late for her to hit him again with said stick. For 30 seconds there is some inappropriately hot fighting, 2 on 1 style. The fight moves toward the stairs, where ex-bestie crouches behind stalker guy at the edge of the stairs and says, "Remember 9th grade cheerleading camp?" at which point our protagonist kicks the stalker who trips over the girl behind him and falls down the stairs.

What if I said it was her prom night too?

 
Number of exclamation marks: 2.

Number of sentences started with he or she: 13.

Not having to have watched One Tree Hill, but to still get the dramatic feel of it?

I don't know how many of you are familiar with the fine film, Ferris Bueller's Day Off. The story chronicles the life of the oh-so-likeable Ferris Bueller. The film is about one day in his high school life. On this day, he ditches school. What does Ferris do with his day off, you ask?

He goes over to his best friend's house.
They liberate his BFF's dad's classic '60s Ferrari (in perfect shape) and drive it ALL over town.
They sneak Ferris' girlfriend out of school to come along as well.
They go to Sears Tower, one of the tallest buildings in the country (especially at the time of filming) and chill at the top.
They go to a fancy, pretentious downtown restaurant for lunch and clown on the maitre-d'.
They go to a Cubs game at Wrigley Field and Ferris catches a foul ball.
They go to a museum and see beautiful works of art.
They get caught up in a street parade, and Ferris jumps on a float and sings "Danke Schoen" (which sounds like donka shane--I had to go on google to figure out how it was actually spelled) and "Twist and Shout" to thousands of people (who go crazy for Ferrris).
They even find time to go swimming (sort of) at a pool.
Merits mentioning: they do all of those things and still get Ferris home by like 6:00 pm, so his parents don't know that he was faking being sick.

Of course, I am simply telling you what they did in list form to give you the example. For the blog, describe what you would do on your ideal day. WRITE IT AS A NARRATIVE STORY. Be creative, descriptive, fun, pg-13, and make us jealous of your day.

If you have a friend or loved one go with you, that's swell, but don't focus too heavily on that. As my housemate likes to say, "It's your day."

TO CONSIDER: 

pick a city that would allow you to do several things that you'd love to do. For example, we all love Albany, but a Ferris Bueller day in Albany of going to the plaza and Gordo isn't exactly dreamy. You may wish to be in San Francisco, LA, Chicago, or wherever. 

money shouldn't be a major issue for you, but don't take advantage. you shouldn't not be able to do things you want to do just cuz you ain't loaded...

you don't have to be 100% realistic, but don't be more than 20% unrealistic. ish.

I may not know much about art, but I know what I like. My favorite type of art is surrealist art--it's just so fun to analyze (and space out whilst staring at).  My favorite surrealist is Rene Magritte; I just love the bizarre juxtapositions, the way he challenges and manipulates perception, and I love trying to construct meaning out of the seemingly random objects that he incorporates into his art. I went to a Magritte exhibit at LACMA last year and was happy as Chinchilla's blog's tagline. In addition to all the beautiful pieces of art on display, there were also some of his notebooks available for viewing. On one page of a notebook, next to a rudimentary sketch of a brick wall, he wrote something to the effect of, "Sometimes what you see--the wall--is of no importance. What is of importance is what you can't see--what the wall is obscuring."  I feel like we could have a cup of coffee and talk about that one for a while. Now that I mention it, the amazing French philosopher, Michel Foucault, whose theories you will all read about in college, actually based an essay on the first of these paintings (and they were penpals).

Select one of the paintings below and write at least 2/3 of a page about it. In your response, consider one or more of the following: your analysis of the art/what it means (including the relationship of objects, what the objects themselves might represent, how/why he bends/breaks rules of logic), your reaction to it/how it makes you feel/what it makes you think of, why you picked it/like it/don't like it, and of course, the artist's intent or message through the piece of art.

I apologize for the lack of quality of some of these images...he is a photorealist quality painter, but this is a digital age. 

It does merit mentioning that if Magritte were alive today, he would be very excited to read your interpretations. Dude wasn't some snobby art-dick; he wanted people to have their own interpretations of his work...



This is not a pipe.








(merits mentioning that this last one is a part of SF MOMA's permanent display...)